Gutfeld! : FOXNEWSW : May 13, 2024 7:00pm-8:00pm PDT : Free Borrow & Streaming : Internet Archive (2024)

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>> hannity: thank you for making episode one of outlaws and lawmen the most watch -- watched show on fox nation. i learned so much in the process the second episode of the series drops this wednesday but you'll only see it on fox nation. episode two following the rough justice and... that's all the time we have left. set your dvr, never ever miss episode. let not your heart be troubled. greg gutfeld would -- will put a smile on your face next.

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[ cheering and applause ] >> that's right. that's right. thank you. >> greg: inc. you for your underwhelming response. happy monday everyone, let's do some jokes. donald trump's exattorney michael cohen took the stand today and hush money trial period we don't have footage because cameras aren't allowed in the courtroom that we have footage of cohen leaving and having lunch. >> greg: the new play coproduced by hillary clinton as bombing on broadway. [ applause ]

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>> greg: unlike her husband bill she's not very good at filling seats. do you know what that means? i don't. according to a shocking new study many patients on life support actually recover so there should never be a rush to pull the plug. finally some good news for joe biden. in an interview from 2018 reveals that p*rn actress stormy daniels may be lying on the stand about her sexual encounter with donald trump. leaving her with egg on her face or something similar. [ laughter ] >> greg: in the interview daniels insisted it wasn't a me to situation but stressed for the right money she's up for a me three, me for. even a me five. actor steve buscemi had his face attacked by a maniac in midtown manhattan last week.

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this is no laughing matter. this was him before the attack and this is him after. [ laughter ] today is stevie wonder's 74th birthday. congrats. [ applause ] >> greg: he celebrated by thinking his family for taking him to the bahamas. over the weekend, kingdom of the planet of the apes was number 1 at the box office. in a related story, earlier today you'll never guess who learned to walk upright. monologue time, hooray. rfk junior claims that i warm once a part of his brain. lucky for him he recovered. lucky for the brain eating worm that he didn't pick a joe instead or he would have starved

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to death. this whole worm in your brain thing got me thinking that there's no shortage of parasites out there living off the brains of others. the most obvious are the campus occupiers who have segued into ruining college graduation ceremonies across america. the worm in these heads of these kids sounds like a cross between karl marx and someone with even worse hair, joy reed. which explains the united front among communists, anarchists, blm and the... also climate change -- change hoax... so how will she get her screen time? the common denominator is clear, we want to destroy the west and what we are going to offer you instead is far worse.

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to them it's like replacing john hamm with a ham. here's a video of queers for palestine who has much in common with hamas as kat does with overeaters anonymous. they do have one thing in common with hamas, irrational hate. they tried to stop traffic at walt disney world in florida. >> you are causing people to actually hate you. >> greg: they can't think,

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they have a warm. thankfully florida turned these queers for palestine into inmates for palestine in minutes. turns out you can arrest people clock -- blocking the road quickly if you arrest people for blocking the road quickly. if they think that's bad imagine what would happen if they ever met hamas. hamas love to party with the lgbt q. community. first they will raise the roof then they throw them off it. but that is actual enforcement without contemplating root causes. shouldn't civilization be collapsing like gerald nadler during a stress test. canadian pm justin trudeau, whose country is pushing the online harms bill which criminalizes what they call hate speech. what is hate speech in canada you ask? it's any speech that might make a protected group uncomfortable. if that net got any wider it

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could catch whoopi goldberg's lunch. so is this law of retroactive, what if you tweeted problematic stuff that is still out there. what if you once shared a controversial video or you have an embarrassingly racist photo lying around and you happen to be prime minister of canada. the law is vague but what is scary is if you are likely to reoffend you could be locked up indefinitely going forward. all thanks to trudeau, he is rapidly becoming our hemispheres kim jong un. apple doesn't fall far from the tree if your mom bangs castro. and what if as an american you mocked or criticized canadian, could you be extradited to canada to face charges? let's try it out on three we are going to say, hey, justin you

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suck. 123, hey, justin you sock. congrats everyone you are now safe for vacationing in mexico. thank about it, could you go in jail to canada for sharing a video about a certain canadian shop teacher? just for the record that whole thing wasn't me that was all cats idea. go easy on kat she has pulled anywhere north of honduras. here's another example of a voracious brain worm that must be on its second helping by now. and irish eurovision contest and crying over the israeli contestant advancing to the finals.

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>> greg: who knew hemorrhoids could talk. now perhaps this creature was probably a nice girl long ago raised by nice parents but look at her now. she's got more hate in her than i due for fox and friends. now she's targeting a truly normal, healthy israeli contestant for being normal and healthy from israel but perhaps the biggest idiocy is that this moron thinks blind egner in anti-semitism is punk. it's not punk when the competition judges aligned with you. you are about as edgy as a stick of butter at room temperature. or what... so as the brain warms continue to burrow their way into the

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culture and the kids, they all have a common ancestor. you can call it progressivism or cultural marxism. you have to ask how to get there. look who's -- look who's acting crazy today and who hasn't. that should tell you something. there are few zany's from the right but that bubbles up from below. this hysteria on the left is top-down. it comes from professors, the media, the hard left organizations that have money. this isn't q. and on, it's cnn, msnbc, media matters and the like. that's why we don't have the worm, they do. we don't eat that [ bleep ] whenever you call the worms parents, better sat quietly, especially on campus or if you live in canada. in the meantime let's take a lesson from florida and convey a simple message to these students, professors and the media and yes the canadian pm, for god sakes grow up.

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you and your worms are destroying the institutions that made the west the most successful civilization ever and it won't stop there because eventually every parasite kills its host. but who knows, by the looks of this lot they are so inedible the worms might be looking for a better meal. let's welcome tonight's guests. we wrote an intro for him but his ex-wife took that to. jamie lasalle. his shows are like jamie's marriages, short and ugly. writer and comedian joe devito. she's thinner than jamie's wallet. fox news contributor pat to. he sees jamie's kids more than

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jamie does. >> greg: jamie i suppose it's good you don't have a brain worm because i get more sympathy from your family. >> it's so weird you said that about my whole life. when i walked into the green room my wallet in my calendar were arguing over who was out there. this disney thing makes me -- you know queers for palestine we all know almost four hamas. my problem is you are blocking the exit to disneyland and hoping that i will come over and listen to your calls. disneyland is very expensive. why don't you help me out and blocked the entrance. i feel like protests are always trying to inconvenience us. if you said you had an extra-

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fast pass i will listen to all the [ bleep ] you have to say. >> greg: it's a weird place to throw down and protest. you've got families and a father that probably wants to kill himself, you have some screaming brats in the back. i wife, what is she thinking this is going to be a good idea going to disney world? >> that lady's voice ruined an erection i was going to have tomorrow. >> i love that you plan ahead. 3:15 may be. that will be a good time. joe what you think the overarching theme of brain worms >> the first thing i would tell rfk junior is... doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. >> it was in a divorce deposition. somebody did that to him on purpose. >> not good. i think what we're seeing here

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is this protest stuff, it's fashion. this is a front they are putting on. it's a costume they're wearing. can't help -- can't spell hamas without h&m. i thought greta was going to hit nonbinary on the way there. it shows you how spoiled they are. they see the hunger strike, they cancelled because they got hungry. they didn't know it was going to affect lunch time. we have people who are so spoiled they demand we cater to their needs while they are also demanding catering. so we can't take them seriously but i think it's a good point in that socialism, the things they support. they are against anything that works and we're going to see how this plays out because the people don't have time for this nonsense. it's going to run its course because they are spoiled, they are little brats and are

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incapable of doing anything other than complain. >> greg: might have just hit the wall. cat, of all the places get a worm, not in the brain. at least eat the food i'm eating so i don't gain weight like a tapeworm. what you say to that? >> i don't think a tapeworm would be good for me at all. >> i don't think so either. a warm would complain about getting a cat... [ laughter ] >> greg: what do you make of the eurovision thing? >> not much. >> are you forcing -- are you mad they are forcing you to care. >> they haven't, i still don't. want to talk about canada if that's okay. i think there are few things

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scarier than having your freedom hinge upon whether or not i canadian gets offended. the way that it's been covered i think is knots. the new york times was -- they say this crosses the line into censorship. critics say that or that what the dictionary said? government punishing for speech, that's what centre censorship is. their justification for it is protecting the kids. that's what the government always says. the solution to protecting kids is not to treat everyone like a kid except in this case with the addition of a very adult punishment. no kid ever catches a charge. >> greg: it's open-ended. it's weird that we always worry don't go to mexico because of the gangs. don't go to canada, you could end up in jail. they can look at any of our feeds or passed shows and all of us are guilty. >> it was a great place to

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wrestle because of the history there but i hated going through customs and stuff. all this then goes back to everyone is like to your points they are spoiled brats but they are being fed by us or get being fed. if we treated these protesters like stricker's in sports events,. >> the tackle happens win? off-camera. there is no camera. there is a stricker hold on we will talk about something else while we deal with this and they go back to playing the game. the reason why there's not a streaker every week is because there is no clip. all of this is for clips,. once it's off the new cycle we made our point because we are getting clips. if we take away the visual,

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people who are on the fence, were confused or young or envious, they are not interested in that because everyone has that -- we talk about crack, fentanyl, camera time and attention is just a big a drug. the point is if you took away that feed i think you would see a dramatic difference. walking out of the graduation, why do we have to see it? they walked out. okay you ruined your own generation. >> we are doing that in the next segment. >> we are part of the problem. >> we are. that should be our new logo. >> we will find out and we will fire them. up next to the taxpayers lose when bombs get free booze.

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[ cheering and applause ] >> greg: nice they crash on city cots after drought -- downing vodka shots. they are now buying the homeless the next round. as f. is getting slammed for program that gives homeless alcoholics free alcohol for the

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past four years. if you've seen their streets you would think they were chugging milk and magnesia. that brings back memories. according to the san francisco chronicle, the managed alcohol program cost taxpayers $5 million per year which could have been -- could've helped build five desperately needed toilets. call it hobo happy hour every day during specific times, homeless people line up at a former hotel where nurses pour them quote control the doses of vodka and beer. but i guess in a world where jill biden is a dr., bartenders can be called nurses. the facility has 20 beds, the idea being the homeless can sleep it off instead of winding up on the streets, in jail or in the er. but concerned citizens aren't so sure like the chair of the local salvation army who recently called out the program on x., quote, it's unacceptable that we

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allow... we should be encouraging people to get better not to stay sick. sorry dude, not anymore. staying sick is now an identity and how dare you infringe on a marginalized community. so san fran is giving homeless drugs, vodka shots and taxpayers are picking up the tab. such decisions are made -- being made by people unaccustomed to the laws of incentives or even the basics of reality. alcoholics don't go for controlled doses, they are alcoholics which is defined as i can't control alcohol. what's next? dealing with the college lone debt by making others pay for it? dealing with shoplifting by legalizing shoplifting? dealing with overcrowded prisons by closing prisons, see the pattern here? the solution for alcohol addicts

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isn't open -- which reminds me joe, how are you holding up? >> they are good luck. >> what you make of this? >> i don't know why anyone would obey any laws in san francisco now. it's bad enough they don't enforce them, you get happy hour now. to their credit the sunday brunch that is a bottomless mimosa. don't know what else to say, you can think of an example of -- ridiculous enough. you don't help people by doing this. you don't enable, you don't have alcoholics anonymous meetings at oktoberfest and say we will trust them at their own discretion. it goes to show it is such a shame that a great city like that is lost be a chi don't know how low down they need to go. i would say having open bar for

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a homeless -- for homeless alcoholics is creative. >> greg: san francisco leadership actually needs an intervention. not just the addicts there. is there any way to argue on behalf of this program? >> if you are a severe alcoholic and you stop drinking you can die but i think we should all strive for more for ourselves than being not dead. the message that it sends essentially is you can't buy your drinks and you have to leave the bar but if you keep drinking so much then they are free. if you reach this level of absolute destitution than your drinks are free. also want to know how the controlled doses thing really works. are there people telling wasted homeless alcoholics you had enough and then they go out, what happens then. i don't understand how that

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works. >> it's like one of those starbucks drink cards. you've had 12 drinks so you get to drink for free now. you qualify as an alcoholic. >> what if you went in and... >> tyrus it's like they can't treat a problem like a problem because it's too tough. they dress this up as compassionate so they don't have to actually do the hard work of treating these people. >> i don't know what you are crying about. down on their luck, having a bad day, you no longer have to sit at the bus stop and look at everyone else being happy. you can go to homeless happy hour. that's pretty cool. you can drink as much as you want and then you can sleep it off in a bed and then wake up and do it all over again. what the cool part is these are the most expensive nurses in the

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history of man because they spend $5 million, what kind of alcohol is this. what we have here, what are we doing? it is what it always is. they don't care about getting people better. it's another one of their money laundering schemes. maybe $10,000 worth of booze will cover it. it's not like the homeless guy ... >> greg: are you mad that this was no instituted earlier, think of all the money we could have saved if we told them we were drunks. >> it's unrelated but i'm moving to san francisco. i know everyone is saying this is a negative thing but to support a tiny bit. i had a friend who was a harridan -- heroin addict. one thing that would get rid of all the symptoms is more heroin.

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it's the worst idea ever. i don't drink because i'm not really allowed to. it's a horrible idea. that i ever tell you i'm allergic to alcohol? i break out in handcuffs. this story infuriates me because you are medicating them also vodka is very harsh. that's why me and some people in the community have started soda for street people so you can make a vodka soda and we have limes for lunatics that is going to be starting. in such a terrible idea i did not think it was a real story. >> i did my cursory research and i found out that it might be true. it is actually true, i just slide on foxbusiness. we're almost... it is true. >> i wonder if there's any of them that put a little napkin over there drink.

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>> what if they send their drink back because it's too weak? up next is stormy toasted because she blabbed to a host?

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but shingrix protects. ask your doctor or pharmacist about shingrix today. [ ♪♪ ] [ cheering and applause ] >> greg: i'd say we'd come pretty far when a trump accuser gets debunked by belmar. our video comes from belmar who dug up an old interview with stormy from 2018 and revealed some questions regarding her credibility -- credibility as a witness. >> she is a bad witness. why did you [ bleep ] donald trump you say it's not a me to case. >> it is not. i wasn't assaulted. i wasn't attacked or raped or coerced or blackmailed.

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they're trying to shove me in the box in front of their own agenda. i did not want any part of that because it's not the truth and i'm not a victim. >> greg: will the jury ever see this or will it remain unseen an episode of fox news saturday night with jimmy fallon that seems gratuitous but we will leave it in. what is your take? i don't know anything about the law. >> i'm not a lawyer either. >> you told me you were, that's how you got this job. >> it was bad... so my understanding is that the charges are supposed to be about falsified records and campaign finance violations. to me it doesn't make sense but that's what it's supposed to be about. so i'm very confused how we ever gone the position where she's being interviewed about their sex in the first place.

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why is she been a witness at all really. it's between what happened with him and michael cohen who is not credible for many other reasons. i think this a politically charged in all these other things. take that out a bit. why is she talking about the sex they had a? it has nothing to do with it. >> greg: everything is about what actually michael cohen did. >> this is when you are lucky to have a black perspective. >> aren't we lucky at all times? >> yes, we are. this makes perfect sense. they are painting picture of the president. he interacts with p*rn stars, he hires crooked lawyers. and every time someone comes on tv and says they are criminals, they are this, that is their point. that is what they are trying to convey everyone. they just want america to see

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this is who your president associates with. he hangs out with p*rn stars and crooked lawyers and makes bad business deals and lies about how much... it goes back to clicks. there's no substance in any of it but that's not what they need. they need long enough for a two-minute campaign commercial. that's all they need to. >> greg: what you think jamie? >> i would have to say that if he actually did pay her hush money, it didn't work. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> greg: they keep talking about jonathan turley but you make jonathan turley look like an amateur. >> i feel like it's all we talk about. i feel like it's a worse investment than a lap dance. i also don't think hush is a

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strong enough word for hush money. and should should be shut the f. up money. don't you think they talked about the sex because it was riveting television? she said some stuff that was not very nice. she talked about his performance she said he only lasted 60 seconds which i could cut that time in half. >> do you know how you get your poor name? you take the street you grew up on and then you run away from that house and go to a hoar house and a pimp gives you a name. [ laughter ] >> greg: that is so funny and sad at the same time. kids don't do p*rn. that's my public service. kids don't do p*rn, it won't end well. look at joe devito.

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>> it's tasteful nudity. >> do you think -- this seems like it's imploding. >> who would've known putting the crooked lawyer and the p*rn actress on the witness stand would've backfired. can week stop calling her a p*rn star? >> not even close. >> she was a p*rn participant. >> greg: you have to be pretty desperate to click on that. >> especially multiple, multiple times. >> what if it was for research? >> that's what i put on my timesheet. what they are trying to do is trying to have someone go up and say thanks to humiliate donald trump. it doesn't have anything to do with the legal process. this is the problem the left keeps falling for. they fall for stormy daniels as literally the stripper who made me think...

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she is saying what they want because they keep giving her money and attention. >> i wrote something down that i thought was really smart. this is what i said earlier and i forgot to say it. they are actually prosecuting a crime done by the witness. it's like cohen who did this not trump, he was the one who gave the advice, crated this whole thing. there actually prosecuting trump for what they witnessed it but they are doing it now and everybody says it was cohen who was guilty. now that i say it... coming up new york crime becomes a factor for a beloved actor. heal acid-related damage to the esophagus called erosive esophagitis, and relieve related heartburn. voquezna is the first and only fda-approved treatment of its kind. 93% of adults were healed by two months. of those healed, 79% stayed healed. and voquezna can provide heartburn-free

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(bell ringing) someone needs to customize and save hundreds with liberty mutual! (inaudible sounds) (elevator doors opening) wait, there's an elevator? only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty, liberty, liberty, ♪ ♪ liberty. ♪ >> a story in five words. >> steve buscemi another random victim. steve buscemi randomly punched in the face in broad daylight. it was last wednesday. attacker is still on the loose,

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to be have a picture of the attacker? it was like in midtown at 11:00 o'clock. he doesn't look crazy. >> it's news because everybody knows who steve buscemi is. there are way worse crimes going on. >> you -- he is an older man. let's forget all the hollywood stuff. he wasn't even like hate you and me let's do this. you can end of someone's life like that. he's not taking a random punch. i guarantee you there was at least a thousand older white guys and white women who aren't getting camera time because the target is white people. anyone who looks well-to-do or has nice clothes on, jamie you are fine. this is rampant, it's a thing and the scary part is that we

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are going to see more of it. new york doesn't report. crime is down but no one can walk out in the street. white people are being targeted and no one is doing anything about it. >> greg: people do not want to report it because they know that the guy won't be kept in jail and that person will come out and than there will be retribution. i've heard about this and the first thing i thought is why does it have to be buscemi, why couldn't it have been you. i think america was on my side on that. >> i have such low self-worth, i thought the same thing. it is scary, and makes me scared to walk around especially if you bring your kids or something. you are so right that if it was not steve buscemi we wouldn't even know. i was also punched wednesday. they asked me for my credits and they said we are going to keep this to ourselves. no one wants to hear about that headliner from...

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>> greg: joe it feels like in new york, 11:00 pm is the new 2:00 am and some neighbourhoods. it is like you shouldn't be out at a certain time. >> everyone is saying this is such a terrible example of random violence. what if it wasn't random. what if this guy was like i didn't like your work. like it him. he doesn't look like the usual crazy guys. he looks like a little bit more together than steve buscemi does >> he looks like he's bleeding equinox. >> he should be easy to find. >> greg: cat do you think there is more to this than meets the eye? maybe that's why we didn't hear about it until now. >> either that or this guy didn't see a single movie during the entire nineties. i don't even watch movies and i

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know who that is. >> he was a firefighter. >> do you think he knows now that he punched someone famous? i didn't realize i punched an actual icon in the film industry >> could be like they had some words. he said can you get moving and then the guy said i'm going to punch this old dude and that's what he did. i think we learned nothing from this. up next a few students wanted to puke when seinfeld spoke at duke. or more - can be overwhelm . . so, ask your doctor about botox®. botox® prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine before they even start. it's the #1 prescribed branded chronic migraine treatment. so far, more than 5 million botox® treatments have been given to over eight hundred and fifty thousand chronic migraine patients. effects of botox® may spread hours to weeks after injection causing serious symptoms.

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[ ♪♪ ] >> greg: his commitment -- commencement speech made students cry. students walked out of jerry seinfeld's commencement speech. roll it.

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>> greg: 40 people walked out or as jamie calls it, a good night. tyrus, that was a lot of people -- wasn't a lot of people. doesn't it tell you that they are really good at amplifying their cause? >> this is been the point the last seven or eight hashmak seven or eight years. they are nothing. it doesn't matter because the entire world is seeing it. those 40 are getting all the attention as opposed to the thousand that were there. forty people walked out... maybe they were going on a bathroom break. who knows. let's not investigate. keep the camera on him and the crowd booed him. we had some streaker tonight, they don't even call them the right thing. you keep giving them attention they will keep coming. >> greg: his sun is enrolled at duke, that's why he was

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there. isn't that exciting? >> i agree with a lot of what tyrus had to say. this is only a story because the media made it a story. there was 30 or 40 people and than there was 20,000 people there. nobody that was there even thought twice about it. >> what is the percentage of that? >> very small. >> very small indeed. jamie. did you listen to any of the speech at all? i did. >> i wish he did why did they call it commencement if it's at the end of the year. [ applause ] >> greg: there you go. >> how offended would you be if they want to duke and they gave seinfeld an honorary degree. like, yeah, i studied for years

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and... wrote this joke about how you lose your sock and got the same degree. >> greg: any lessons to be learned from this? >> maybe they were protesting him being dressed like the pied piper. they weren't rushing out to pay their student loans. but i think they remind me of the people who get thrown out of a comedy show. on the way out they say the same thing. i'm never coming back. it's like, yeah, we don't want you here now. so leave you jerks, get out and you ruined your own commencement. >> i wonder what their major was. you should find out. that takes a lot of effort. we will be right back we came to his house... >> customer: looks great. thank you. >> tech: my pleasure.

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[ applause ] >> greg: we are out of time, to the studio audience, and greg gutfeld, olivia america! >> trace: good evening entrées

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Greg Gutfeld examines the news of the day through a satiric lens fused with pop culture.

Greg 25, Jamie 9, Canada 7, Steve Buscemi 6, Donald Trump 4, Hamas 4, New York 4, Duke 3, San Francisco 3, Florida 3, Us 3, Michael Cohen 3, Cohen 3, Jonathan Turley 2, Joe Devito 2, Oofos 2, Mexico 2, America 2, Daniels 2, Justin 2
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